Redesign Me
by withatouchofyourwords
Summary: Gale reflect. Songfic. Oneshot.


**Author's Note: More Gale stuff to fuel your fangirlin. The song is "Redesign Me" by VersaEmerge and it fits what happened afterwords. It's really sad. Also, I_ highly_ recommend you actually listen to the song so you can cry while you sob. This is the perfect song to describe the end of the friendship.**

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><p><em>If you were still around<br>You'd tell me I'm different  
>Since the last time you called me out<br>I'd put you down  
>I'd tell you it's a waste of time<br>To keep you by my side_

Gale had figured there was a change in him since he left Katniss behind in District 12, but he couldn't stay around her a minute more. Katniss never did talk about boys with him, but at the same time, he couldn't have his hunting partner anymore. He loved her too much to just settle for friendship. He was in love with her, and he could never have her. So instead the boy stopped smiling, stop laughing, and couldn't even bother to flirt with anyone. The last time he'd spoken to Katniss, she damn near blamed him for the bomb. He knew that a lot of it fell on him, but he couldn't tell her why. She wouldn't let him.

It angered him that Katniss failed to see the bigger picture. But he couldn't let her rule his world anymore. Not when they weren't even best friends anymore. She cut him out of her life, and he wanted to pay her back in kind. After all, he nearly died trying to get her family out of District 12 when it was bombed. He nearly died trying to get her damn boyfriend back to her. He was angry she picked the guy who had tried to kill her. After all he had done for her, it had gotten him no where. All the nice things he had done was canceled out because he built a bomb that he had hoped would_ change_ the face design of the Capitol.

Anger. The second stage of grief. He had passed the first long ago, when he thought he still had a chance with her.

_If you were still around_  
><em>I swear<em>  
><em>We would sit and stare<em>  
><em>We would be no where<em>

He reasoned that it wasn't her fault that she liked Peeta better than him, but at the same time, he felt betrayed. And maybe he was holding her so something that couldn't have mattered anyway. He had kept every single on of his promises to the best of his advantage, and still Katniss did not care for him. He did all the things he could for her, what was in his power and she threw it away. Blamed him for one thing, overlooking that it killed him inside that Primrose Everdeen had died. Her grave was forever haunting him, the sight of the bomb going up in smoke. Tears fell down his face as he realized that Prim dying had been the final nail in his coffin.

He wasn't alive anymore. So what was he?

_And to this day_  
><em>I look for what it's gonna take<em>  
><em>To just let things be<em>  
><em>Still today, I wonder is it<em>  
><em>You or me who should feel<em> _guilty?_

Guilt still haunted him in his every waking moment, in his hallowed out heart. The heart that was empty since the Girl on Fire had burned away what was left inside him. He had nothing left, nothing left to lose. That was a lie. He knew it. He still had his family, but they couldn't shake his depression. Finally, they stopped trying to understand him and left him alone. Katniss had not only taken away his heart, but the ability to care for what he still loved. He loved them... and for some reason, his guilt kept him from feeling worthy of even them. They were too good for him.

Katniss had made sure that he never would feel whole again. He kept thinking that maybe if he could bring Prim back to life somehow, she'd forgive him. And he'd have his chance with her that he wanted so desperately.

Bargaining. The third stage of grief.

_I'm pulling_  
><em>I'm pushing<em>  
><em>I'm putting it<em>  
><em>Out of my mind<em>  
><em>Thought that I had said<em>  
><em>Goodbye<em>

The goodbye still killed him, still made his heart feel like it had been ripped out and kicked across the field. He felt helpless, as if she had shot him through the heart. He wished she _had_shot him when he begged her to. There was nothing left to live for. Katniss would keep his family healthy, because they weren't the ones who had built the bomb. Spirling around him were anger, grief, bargaining with anyone to find a way back into her heart. He'd even settle for just friends this time around, because without Katniss, he didn't know how he'd survive. She was the one he told everything, the one who could make him laugh, joke around, even smile.

He thought he had said goodbye to her, but it seems that he hadn't. Maybe because he never told it to her.

_If you were still around_  
><em>You would tell me that you're sorry<em>  
><em>But you don't know what you're sorry about<em>  
><em>I'd keep to myself, keep you guessing<em>  
><em>Make you question if it's ever gonna work itself out<em>

Gale had apologized over and over again, but even he couldn't get past the fact that no matter how many times he apologized, there were still the dead. There was still the fact she held him responsible for being a soldier... he knew that he couldn't have changed anything. He wouldn't change anything. He was a warrior, and there wasn't a chance in hell that he would have stood by and let the Capitol continue those barbaric games.

He was angry at Katniss for voting to punish the Capitol with the same evil, twisted games. She should have known better because she herself was in them! Gale couldn't believe that was even considered. He might have built bombs, but he never intended to kill innocent children. Any damage that happened because he wasn't careful enough. Gale had done his best to make sure that no one innocent was hurt, but still Katniss held him responsible for all the deaths. He never wanted anyone to die, he never wanted anyone hurt, and he certainly didn't want Peeta dead either.

It's amazing how Katniss assumed this, though. She assumed he meant to, and it was like she had never known him. He punched the wall, angry with himself for being angry at Katniss. She couldn't have known, but at the same time... she should have known. He loved her, but now he realized she clearly didn't know him at all. He never changed.

_If you were still around_  
><em>I swear<em>  
><em>We would sit and stare<em>  
><em>We would be no where<em>

No where. They would never be the same. He would always resent her for blaming him for Prim's death without thinking about how it felt for him. How destroyed he was inside. She never bothered to consider his feelings. He considered hers. He knew she was upset, and all he wanted to do was comfort her. He meant to comfort her. Coin called him out for another mission, however, and he couldn't make it to the hospital. She never bothered to wait for his explanation, never bothered to realize he couldn't be insubordinate. Coin would have made his life a living hell.

He had wanted the revolution, and he wasn't going to stop it. He hated that no matter what, he was always the one at fault. Katniss wasn't at fault even though she made mistakes in the war as well. He wondered if she would ever admit this to herself. He sighed. His hunting partner wasn't the same.

_And to this day_  
><em>I look for what it's gonna take<em>  
><em>To just let things be<em>  
><em>Still today, I wonder is it<em>  
><em>You or me who should feel guilty?<em>  
><em>I'm pulling<em>  
><em>I'm pushing<em>  
><em>I'm putting it<em>  
><em>Out of my mind<em>  
><em>Thought that I had said<em>  
><em>Goodbye<em>

Maybe he should have said goodbye.

_It still haunts me_  
><em>Yeah, it still haunts me<em>  
><em>Yeah, it still haunts me<em>

His worst nightmares were the memories. He never could sleep because all he could see was the flash of light that took Prim out of this life. The people he couldn't save in District 12 go up in flames. The people he couldn't save in the Games. The way the innocent lives were dead before he could take it back. The empty, hallowed eyes of the men he had destroyed in the name of the rebuilding for the better. The men he had killed on Coin's orders. War had changed him, he realized.

And he wasn't sure he liked what he saw.

_And to this day_  
><em>I look for what it's gonna take<em>  
><em>To just let things be<em>  
><em>And to this day, I wonder is it<em>  
><em>You or me who should feel guilty?<em>  
><em>I'm pulling<em>  
><em>I'm pushing<em>  
><em>I'm putting it<em>  
><em>Out of my mind, yeah,<em>  
><em>Thought that I had said<em>  
><em>Goodbye<em>

"Hey, Catnip. Hunting been good lately?"


End file.
